waiting

i'm sort of an optimistic freak. actually, i think i'm just "level-headed." my arm hurts, really bad. i was hoping it'd go away but it didn't. now, i need to make a doctor's appointment and hope it doesnt end up in a sling. hooray. 

I have spent the past three days primarily at the hospital. on sunday night my dad was in pain and didn't feel good. the man is not someone who admits to pain freely. i have  never seen him take as much as an Advil. on sunday he did not eat very much and spent a lot of time sleeping, but my dad sleeps a lot. his schedule sucks. he works a factory job. i was not alarmed. 

on monday morning i woke up at nine. i was on my way to the bathroom when i saw that he was laying in bed. now, there was cause for concern. my dad doesn't sleep past 6, ever. lol. and two, he was supposed to be at work. he has never called off. maybe once when my mother was in the emergency room. he woke up and came to the kitchen where i was sitting. i asked if he was hungry and he said no. he then had me explain what three different medications were for, of the three he chose to take three laxatives. he said his stomach felt like it was inflamed or bloated. he took the laxatvives but they didn't do anything. then, i asked him if he wanted to go to the doctor he said no. At noon i asked again and he said soon. it was then that i was like, 'damn, he's in a lot of pain.' my dad has never been to the doctor's office. EVER. 

We went to our family doctor. he told us that what my dad had was serious and he needed to go to the emergency room. We went. he was attended and admitted that night. we stood till midnight at which point i drove my mom home so she could get some sleep since she worked at three in the morning the next day. my mom cried silently as we went home. i told her not to worry because everything was gonna be okay.  you know, whatever. happy thoughts. 

on tuesday my older brother and i went again. the doctor came in and said he had three different conditions, but that everything seemed to be going fine. he only had one concern, there are typically two reasons why someone develops pancreatitis: alcohol (my dad doesn't drink) and gallstones. My dad did not have any gallstones and had never experienced that pain before. initially the doctor was suspicious and suspected my father was lying but the ultrasounds and CT scans seemed to support his statements. he then went on to inform us that aside from those two causes there are more potential causes but those were more rare, they include H. Pylori (which, i've actually had LOL) and other stuff that is even more rare. He informed us that this meant my father would have to spend the night again. my brother went to work. i stayed. later, my mom, my aunt, and my little brother cried in the elevator as i hugged the little one and said, "you're okay. my dad's okay." Lame, i know, but let me have it. we got home and as we sat at the kitchen table having dinner at eleven my mother gave me instructions. She told me to ask the doctor specifically about best and worst scenarios. i told her that it seemed okay and what the doctor had said. she talked about pancreatic cancer and how it's usually fatal. i told her she needed to calm down and think positively. 

later my brother came home and asked if we had learned anything else. we hand't. he informed us that they must have spoken to my father when we left because my dad had  just told him that he was diagnosed with diabetes. Again, YAY. 

Today, both of my brothers were at work. i headed over to the hospital. played some love songs, arrived and drank some of my coffee in the parking lot. i walked in and made small talk. the doctor came in. he talked a bit about diabetes and about how the pancreatitis was going away and all seemed swell. he left. about ten minutes later he came in, this time without the medical students, and said "I don't want to scare you," as he stared just above my father's head, "but, we did do a test to check for cancer. I'm not saying that you have cancer or that you should worry, please don't worry, but i just have to be thorough. there are a couple of things that don't make sense and i just want to be sure. You'll have the results in 2 to three days." We said "okay." my dad made a joke. we all laughed. he left. 

now, we wait. i'm slightly concerned, but i'm keeping it to myself. on top of that, i didn't tell my mother. there just didn't seem to be a point in scaring her. she knows most people don't get scanned for cancer when they have stomach pains. she'd be concerned. she's already afraid. i figured, chances are he wouldn't have it. pancreatic cancer is rare. it is also deadly. i'm just gonna wait to see what they say. 

pancreatic cancer is extremely rare. 

pancreatic cancer is rare. 

my arm hurts.